About 3 months ago I went up to New Rock City and while I was there I played Laser Tag. For those of you who don't know what that is its a game where you pick two teams to go up against each other with a Laser Gun and whichever team gets the most shots against the opposing team they're the winners. But something that stood out to me was throughout the course of the game after about 10 shots each player had to go back to the home station and REFILL their gun. If you did not refill your gun, you could not shoot and no shots meant you lose the game. The goal of course is to WIN! But as I said the REFILL part stood out more to me because it made me think of life in general. I AM IN THE FIELD OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT. I pride myself on specializing in the growth and positive change of people. But the one thing I've come to learn about this field is its very DRAINING!!!! It takes alot to try and help EVERYBODY and also work on yourself in the process. So I've learned some very important principals to live by in order to continue working in this field and ENJOYING what I do. 1) I have come to realize that its good to be HANDS ON but also be able to assess when its time to take your hands OFF.Some people learn the value of the experience when they realize you are no longer trying to impose it on them. So sometimes I just come by and water the plant, somebody else can come and watch it grow. 2) I've acknowledged that I CAN'T SAVE EVERYBODY!!!!!!! In every person that I encounter I do my very best to help them grow and develop into a better THEM! I listen to them COMPASSIONATELY, I provide a comfortable space for them to share in, I acknowledge THEIR feelings and I do my best to assist WITHOUT offending, insulting, degrading or disrespecting them. When I've done all I physically & emotionally can I realize thats all I can do for them. Maybe they got it, maybe they didn't. I take pride in the fact that I've done my very best and thats all GOD expects of ME. 3) And last but not least, just like in Laser Tag I MAKE SURE I GET MY REFILL AS MUCH AS I CAN AND AS MUCH AS ITS NEEDED! Not only do I help others develop and grow but I allow others to help me do the same. I read a quote that said "You should not have to rip yourself into pieces to keep others whole." I totally agree but I also feel that if you CONSISTENTLY get your refills it makes it harder and harder for you to be ripped to pieces in your quest to make other whole! Remember SELF PRESERVATION IS THE FIRST LAW OF NATURE!

My prayers and condolences to ALL of the women who had it hard coming up and an even LONGER prayer to the ones who can't overcome what they've been through. I remember the year Remy Martin shot the young lady and the young lady's father was in the paper crying saying "This girl used to come to my house to get my Daughter all the time." That brought tears to my eyes. Am I saying that that young lady was right to steal from Remy Martin when all she was trying to do was make a living for her and her son? HELL NO and in all honesty she probably did need a good 'ole fashioned a** whipping BUT to shoot that girl speaks volumes about Remy as an individual more so than it does about the other young lady. How much pain have you endured to push you to a point where you want to KILL somebody? That level of anger and rage is DEEPER than one isolated incident. That comes from YEARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS of hurting about stuff that either haven't been dealt with, no one cares about or you don't even know you have. I encourage, urge, and challenge ALL of my ladies to take a look inside...Examine your OWN actions, behaviors, and responses to the things that you're not only going through BUT also the things you've been through!!!!! I ALWAYS preach this day in and day out....WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR SELF IN THIS LIFETIME!!!! In front of the judge and at the pearly gates you will only have to answer for SELF....Take accountability for YOUR actions and God will give you YOUR blessings. Monitoring other peoples actions will only block your blessings....Choose wisely!

Not too long ago I posted something on FaceBook about me and my Mothers Weight Watchers journey. Underneath the status she wrote "What I tell you about putting my business on FaceBook?" Meanwhile what I put was nothing revealing or negative it was just HER business and she DIDN'T want it shared. I RESPECT THAT BUT....#FactsAboutKhadijah I AM VERY TRANSPARENT! I share a lot of myself. One of my favorite quotes is "I have no secrets because I have no shame" Not only have I been through some things in my life BUT I've done some things in my life that the average person would stop and look at me like I am CRAZY! A lot, no let me rephrase that ALL of those things were done when I was HURTING. Spiritually I was in so much pain I could not think straight. Hurt and pain will cause you to do some CRAZY things. Is that justification for my behavior? NO. I don't need any. But the only response I ALWAYS give when asked is "that behavior" WAS APART OF MY JOURNEY. Had I not gone through that painful phase I could not be where I am today. Had I not had those experiences I would not be who I am today. Had I not survived them I could not share this with anyone today in the hope that they won't follow the same path. I get a lot of phone calls, e-mails and text messages in regards to Operation "Heal 100 Hearts" One of the first things people say to me is that "they don't want anyone knowing their business" and believe it or not that's why so many other people have yet to reach out to me. People don't want the world knowing their secrets because their STILL ashamed of them. I GET THAT. But let me tell you what you don't get. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YOUR HURTING FOR OTHERS TO SEE YOUR PAIN. Pain is transparent as well. No matter how you try to hide or camouflage it, it shows! In your behaviors, your words, your fears, your actions and your body language. The things you obsess over, the things you run from, the things you post, the way you allow yourself to be treated is ALL a reflection of you and most of us are hurting. Not only are we hurting but we're ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know. NOT ME. That pain had its hand so tight around my neck it damn near killed me. I'm too talented, loving, understanding and worthy to allow that to happen. So I opened up and with the help of God, people, opportunities and love my heart has been healed. God blessed me with the spirit of discernment and I'm using my gift for good. Praying that is impacts peoples lives the way it did mine. I can't and I won't share peoples journey, its NOT my place. But when I can do is assist them in getting to a point where they're NOT ashamed to share it themselves. The journey makes us who we are! Come be apart of HERstory..... *WE ALL NEED SOMEBODY TO LEAN ON*

Up early self assessing....It's July which represents we're halfway through the year. I set some goals in the beginning of the year that I'll be damned if I don't see them through. SCHOOL is DEFINITELY on my list of "to do's" I think I finished last semester very good, I enjoyed it and the experience was very much needed. I just need to improve my study habits and work on my time management. WORK...There has to be some improvements made in this area as well. I NEED to become more organized, more focused and more consistent. This is how I get my bread and butter and this is what I love to do, I can't let anything jeopardize that. WORKING OUT/GYM Everything about this is MENTAL and I KNOW that! My body CAN handle it it's just about wrapping my mind around the concept that NO it's not always going to be comfortable, YES I will be pushed beyond my limits and it will NOT happen overnight but if I keep at it...IT WILL HAPPEN! EATING CLEAN from what I hear is 80% of the battle! If I don't change that than I'm setting myself up for a losing battle. The problem is I'm a "Creature Of Habit" so I like to stick with what I know! But I have to keep reminding myself that I'm trying to divorce what I know/my old reality and create and entirely new one. RESPONSIBILITIES....I am 32 and a half years old. I am NOT a baby anymore! THIS IS MY LIFE....I KNOW exactly what I WANT it's just a matter of working towards achieving those goals. As an adult BILLS NEED TO BE PAID ON TIME, MONEY NEEDS TO BE MANAGED PROPERLY (keyword: properly NOT perfectly) and THINGS NEED TO BE DONE IN ORDER OF PRIORITY NOT LUXURY!!!!! In order for me to work on any of these things I have to pray over them. I speak to God on an hourly basis. He's aware of my fears, struggles and wants. He places things in my hands and in my heart for me to strive for, I just have to work on the fear of not just wanting but having all that God has in store for me. But like the old saying says....Knowing is just half the battle and from all of the things I just shared, I'm well aware!

I get so many e-mails, texts, phone calls, inboxes, DM's and have so many face to face conversations with women who tell me "because of you I am INSPIRED!" That melts my heart to know I can be the inspiration behind another woman changing her life for the better especially when God has given me so many inspirational, influential women in my life to do the same for me. I am ELATED about Operation "Heal 100 Hearts" only because God healed mine first. All of the things that people assumed or knew about me WAS TRUE! I was an instigating, manipulative, angry, spiteful, sneaky, harsh woman. I was only all of those things because I WAS a woman in pain. But the worst kind because I was EXCELLENT at hiding it and recognizing everyone else's. NO ONE WANTS TO SHOW THEIR SCARS!!!! I understand that. I also respect it. But for me I know hiding my scars meant a lot of tearful, sleepless nights. It didn't matter that nobody else knew I was hurting that didn't ease the pain not one bit. Until one day I got TIRED of crying, tired of hurting and tired of living in misery. But who could I trust to show my scars? NOBODY! No matter how "close" you are to a person or how much they love you it's human nature for people to judge, I just learned to be okay with that. You know why???? BECAUSE EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD HAS SCARS!!!! No two peoples scars are identical BUT we're all still scarred nonetheless. Once I became okay with that I began to share. I shared things I told God I would take to my grave and to my surprise I attracted women who shared some of the same feelings and experiences. Some of them even had a remedy for the pain. And the more I shared my pain, the more I learned from it and the more I learned the easier it became to LET IT GO!!!! I'm NOT that b*tch I once was because I no longer hide my scars. I no longer hide my scars because I'm not ashamed of them. I know people see my IG/FB/YouTube and judge me harshly, that doesn't bother me. Maybe some of the things I say and do they would NEVER but there is some things that they've said and done that although they haven't shared it with the world doesn't change the fact that they've done it. I'm aware NOT everybody is like me. Whether their heart is healed or not some women may NEVER feel comfortable enough with "sharing" their personal experiences with the world, that's cool. As long as those experiences are not what's keeping you up crying late at night than I respect their privacy and their journey. Me, personally I'm so THANKFUL that God has healed my heart that I want to go around sharing that remedy with the world!!!! Believe it or not I'm a better person because of it. All glory be to God for the journey, vision, and love to fulfill my dreams. *We ALL Need Somebody To Lean On*

The "WAIT" requires PATIENCE, FAITH, STRENGTH AND A LOVE FOR JESUS CHRIST LIKE NOBODY KNOWS OR COULD POSSIBLY FATHOM. The "WAIT" also sucks monkeys balls....I'm here to tell you!!!!!! I am 32yrs old and I've been "WAITING" since I was 18yrs old....But you know what I've just figured out? Thats my PROBLEM....I'VE JUST BEEN WAITING....Sitting around "waiting" when instead of waiting I should have been LIVING. I should have been reaching, planning, praying and moving. FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD...Yes I believe God has tremendous things in store for me but I can't just sit on my hands and "WAIT" for these things to fall into my lap, I have to take the neccesary steps to bring these things into fruition. Not to mention if I'm WORKING as opposed to sitting around "waiting" than I probably wouldn't have time to notice how long or hard the "WAIT" actually is!

So when I came up with idea for Operation "Heal 100 Hearts" I was ECSTATIC!!!! I know, recognize and can perfect my strengths so I knew from the thought alone I would be GOOD at this. I immediately went into the planning phase but as always old faithful appeared....Little Miss FEAR with her pretty gold crown. "What about those women who YOU have offended? And Disrespected? And Fought? And Talked about? And Misunderstood? And Been a b*tch to for no apparent reason? And looked down on? Or thought you were better than? When they see this they're going to look at it and laugh! Phuck out of here! Khadijah need to heal her own heart!!!! But than my new boo CONFIDENCE came speeding through in her drop top Ferrari and knocked that heifer FEAR down!!!! "Khadijah you are NOT perfect and in your past you had some ways about you hunni. (Some just for Gods sake we should all want to forget!) BUT you identified those ways, worked your tail off to find out what caused you to be that person and afterwards made it your business to CHANGE! You realized that the pain you were holding on to was only hurting YOU. Now that you've released it you are not only a DIFFERENT person but a better one! You have to keep in mind that no matter how HARD you work to change there will ALWAYS be some people who are comfortable hating and being enemies with you because of the old you. ACCEPT THAT. You've HEALED more hearts than hurt them! Be proud of that and continue on with your journey...THIS IS GODS CALLING ON YOUR LIFE, TIME TO STOP RUNNING AND ANSWER HIM!

Operation "HEAL 100 HEARTS" Is a mission geared towards the rebuilding, rehabilitating and reshaping the thoughts, actions, behaviors and hearts of women between the ages of 21-45. (Those numbers are subject to change). Throughout my observations and experience I've encountered many broken women including myself. Most of these women have been broken from childhood and/or from experiences they've had as adults and were not able to recover from. Women NEED nurturing, care, honesty, love and support. There is NOT a lot of places to go get that. There isn't a lot of people who know how to receive it or give it. You know the phrase "happy wife, happy life" it is so TRUE! Women are the center of the family, they provide nurture and care and they also speak life into their significant other and children. But there is no way for a woman to provide that level of care if they're not receiving it. Operation Heal 100 Hearts is there to provide that. I am going to reach out to 100 women btwn the ages of 21-35 (again, that number is subject to change) providing a listening ear, a nurturing spirit, encouraging words, motivational speaking and honest feedback. No I don't expect to "fix" people, no I'm not a therapist and no I don't expect things to change overnight. I just want us as women to take a look at OUR destructive behaviors and start working towards constructive ones. Let's take back the power we've given men, jobs, circumstances and love and it use it to speak positivity and success into our own lives. WE ALL NEED SOMEBODY TO LEAN ON!!!! If you would like to volunteer to be a participant in operation "HEAL 100 HEARTS" please feel free to inbox, text (9175923638), call or e-mail (dijahk@aim.com) me. I'm headed to the top if you're coming come on!!!!!

Some people honestly don't know what it feels like to win.
Most of the time I'm on the phone or face to face having conversations with people who NEED encouragement. Who NEED to hear you can do it, I believe in you, keep pushing, etc but some of the people I'm conversing with is having a HARD time even understanding or comprehending what I'm saying because they've NEVER seen it actually happen. I have. I've seen it happen for my students, my family, my co-workers and oftentimes MYSELF. The feeling is so freakin OVERWHELMING and AMAZING that EVERYTIME it happens I'm brought to tears. But the one thing I can HONESTLY say about the win is ITS NEVER EASY. You have to fight each round strategically, differently, and harder than you fought the last. But I realize the only reason I'm even able to continue to fight is because I have been a witness to what happens and how you feel when you finally reach your goal.! But what about the people who never make it to the finish line? What about the people who ALWAYS encounter the losses? Those people start to doubt if there is any real "winners." As I said before I'm here to encourage people so my response to them is YES! And you're actually one of them. See people make plans in their head and when their plans are not carried out exactly the way they saw them then that's considered a "loss." For example I set an 80lbs weight loss goal in one year. BY JUNE 1, 2015 I WANT TO HAVE LOST 80LBS. If I only lose 50lbs is that considered a loss? NO! You know why?????????? Because from June 2013 to May 2014 I gained 30lbs. So any weight loss whether it be 10lbs or 100lbs is a WIN for me since I didn't lose any weight at all last year. For all of my self proclaimed "losers" look at your life OVERALL. List all of the positive things you've done, list all of your strengths and on top of that list I want you to put in big, bold letters "MY WINS" because believe or not you DO have some and you can obtain many more but the first step is having that belief that it can happen. We all NEED somebody around to motivate, encourage and believe in us BUT its so rewarding when we motivate, encourage and believe in ourselves! GO AND GET YOUR WIN!!!

I accept my losses...I don't cry about them, I don't complain about them, I don't drag them out, etc. I ACCEPT them. Only because the pain I feel from the loss could NEVER amount to the joy I feel when I've won!!!!!! I have been working with the youth in Brownsville since 2007, changing not just their lives but my own! There isn't enough money to pay me for what I do. There aren't enough interviews done to acknowledge the POSITIVE changes that our young people are making, there isn't enough media coverage done to highlight Brownsville for their POSITIVE efforts. WELL I WILL!!!!!! I'm going to continue shining the light on so many of your youth and THEIR changes THEY'RE making to become BETTER people. What I do is not something you go to school for or get a degree in it's something that you have to have first hand experience in and that's LOVE!!!! I don't pay these kids, I don't promise them a better life or a greater future....I LOVE them as they take POSITIVE steps to get there! And no matter how UPSET I get with them....The love NEVER changes!!!! I thank God for the ability to continuously do that even at times when I'm confused about how. As long as I approach everything with LOVE everything I touch turns into GOLD!!! New ventures on deck so I guess it's safe to say I'm on the money team...We're headed to the top if you're coming....COME ON!!!!!!

For as long as I can remember I've been sheltered....Loved, nurtured, cared for and understood. Growing up I never imagined that changing and if I did have any thoughts of change it would be when I was a Grandmother and my parents had already seen 3 or 4 generations come up. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I imagine that at the tender and still very impressionable age of 23 would half of my security blanket be snatched from under my feet without any warning, instructions,  plans or replacement.

I remember it vividly like it was yesterday. It was a frigid WInter Tuesday,  December 13, 2005.  I came home from work like any other day, 5:34pm. My Mom and little brother were sitting at the table, they were making jokes about my Dad saying he had gotten paid that day and cut out with his check because he was late coming home and he's normally never late. So as the time went by my Mom started to get nervous, she called the precint and they informed her they didnt have anyone by that name. My Mom then asked my little brother to go down to the hospital. My brother left out, my Mom started cooking, and I went in the room to watch TV.

About 20 minutes later I heard the front door open, my Mom scream, and pots fall. By the time I reached the dining room all of my mothers dinner was on the floor,  my Mother was gone, and my Brother stood in the doorway looking the most broken & confused I've ever seen him in my life! He never spoke, I just knew. I slid down the wall to the floor of our 3 bedroom apt and the walls started to close in on me, I picked up the phone and called my Sister, Aunt and Mothers best friend.  Between the screaming and sobbing none of them understood what I said, I hung up, put on my coat and headed out the door to join my family at the hospital. When I arrived my Mom was on the Asthma machine when an Administrator approached us and asked us to follow him. We went down to the basement and into a dimly lit room with a big window then The administrator opened a door to an adjoining room and directed us to look through the window. He turned on the light and my heart sank in my chest! On a hospital bed with a tube in his mouth and a single tear staining his face layed my nurturing,  caring,  overprotective, understanding Father. The man who had sheltered me for 23 beautiful years caught a heart attack out on the street and died....ALONE!

THAT BROKE MY HEART....


BE THANKFUL FOR NOT ONLY WHAT YOU HAVE BUT WHO YOU HAVE BECAUSE THERE WILL COME A TIME WHERE YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE THESE PEOPLE.

I'm GRATEFUL for the 23yrs I had with my Dad but everyday I wish for one more moment, laugh, dinner, drink or conversation with him.


REST IN PEACE PAPA BEAR

So I just wanted to go over some things that I've realized about myself that I NEED to work on.

 A) FEAR....It's crippling, it's a hindrance, it's a dream killer, and it's stunting my growth. KHADIJAH YOU WILL NEVER KNOW IF YOU DONT TRY! And if you do FAIL get up, dust yourself off, and try AGAIN! Keep trying until you succeed...Do NOT accept failure! You've been there, done that, and it has not done anything for you.

 B) CONSISTENCY.....If you want to achieve a goal you have to work at it diligently! You have to approach it different, revamp it, believe in it and accomplish it! The only way you're going to do that is to REMAIN CONSISTENT!!!! No matter where you are, what's going on in your life or who you're with...KEEP GOING!!!! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 C) BELIEF.....The key to obtaining anything you want in your life is BELIEVING that you deserve it! If you can't see it happening you won't work for it!!! You are among the long list of people who deserve to be HAPPY!!!! But if you don't believe it, you'll NEVER achieve it. Have faith that it can happen and it will happen in Gods time. Until then eat it, drink it, breathe it, love it, nurture it and than you'll begin to BELIEVE it!

 I've decided to break up the next year of my life into quarterly intervals just so I can focus on my short term goals. Once I accomplish short term goals I can start to see the bigger picture and work on long term ones. The one thing I've learned this past year is that there is NOT a lot of time! I also realized that I wasted a lot of it ruining my life as opposed to making it better. No more of that. I want to make things better before I don't have a chance to do so. So for the next 3 months every single day I'm going to work my ass of at being FEARLESS, CONSISTENT, AND BELIEVING!!!! With Gods blessings I'm turning my cants into cans and my dreams into plans....

I'm friends with, related to and keep company with people who fill me up. People who day in and day out intentionally focus on all my right instead of pointing out all my wrong. I've observed that as a young, black woman residing in Brooklyn thats the hardest thing for some of us to do. Most people (women in particular) are so hell bent on tearing one another down that there is no room, time, or focus contributed to building each other up. Many people are not comfortable with the fact that I am actually FRIENDS with so many different women. Its been said that when you can mingle with different crowds that you're "mixxy" or phony, I strongly DISAGREE. I think women are drawn to me because EVERYDAY I work towards the contribution of building them up! Of course there are times when I have to have uncomfortable conversations that require harsh and REAL dialogue but I'm mindful of women and feelings so I make sure to send the message the same way I would want to receive it, that helps to gain respect.....And once these conversations are had WE move forward. They're NEVER used against the person for my own personal gain or to humiliate them. AFTER THE REAL TALK COMES THE HEAL TALK. We all make terrible mistakes, wrong choices, and bad decisions. Being ridiculed, constantly reminded, and persecuted for them don't make them any better but only makes the individual even worst. My initial approach is and will ALWAYS be LOVE, especially with WOMEN. It doesn't matter if I know you personally or not. My compassionate heart won't allow me to be any other way. AS WOMEN WE GIVE EACH OTHER THE HARDEST TIME! I've watched some women mold their daughters into full blooded b*tches, I remember I used to be one! But God is good to constantly show me the error in my ways and for continuously allowing me to grow! I hope that all of my past indiscretions have been forgiven and I pray God gives me the strength to forgive all of the b*tches I had and have to endure. I'm OVER giving other women a hard time, I'm here to love and be loved in return.