I REALIZE WHAT WE (WOMEN) ARE UP AGAINST...... Alot of us are ALONE....Keyword: ALONE I have to point that out because I've noticed that that word is almost ALWAYS partnered with LONELY.... THESE ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. Loneliness breeds desperation. When you're desperate it manifest in your behaviors, so when we find ourselves settling for just sexual relationships or third party relationships, or abusive relationships or unhealthy relationships thats because none of that matters you just yearn the companionship. Being ALONE is wanting the companionship and just not having it but the difference is you're NOT settling in the process. You're being patient and strong enough to wait on what you DESERVE. Many women are single. Many women are confused as to WHY they're single. I can't speak for all the women in the world but I think I realized what my issue is (or should I say was). I put too much emphasis on physical, mental, and sexual connections without taking into consideration that all of that means NOTHING without a spiritual connection. ESPECIALLY for a Spiritual person! (Duhhhhhhhh right?) So just like any other woman I was looking for the most handsome man, the most fly man, the man with the biggest d*ck, and the smartest man all packaged into one. Reality sent me the big d*ck idiot, the ugly fly guy, the smart bum, and the arrogant jerk. And don't get me wrong ALL of these people were liked and fun at some point but they were also TEMPORARY. WE ARE ALL LOOKING FOR LONG TERM. So when reality hit that the fun was over and that man is gone, those temporary feelings can sometimes cause permanent damage. That damage can cause hurt, that hurt can cause anger, and that anger gives birth to the BITCH that most good guys encounter. It is not our desire to be damaged, hurt, mean, or angry but some of our experiences have forced our hand to protect our hearts. Me personally I was in that same space until I realized that WHAT I AM IS WHAT I CHOOSE. My experiences were unfortunate just as any other woman BUT it was my choice to decide whether they would kill me or build me. Personally its no fun being a b*tch so I decided to LET GO of that pain from my past!!!! And to assure that I don't have to suffer anymore I've decided to seek men who are I share a SPIRITUAL connection with and we're heading down a similiar SPIRITUAL path. Its more rewarding. God forbid we ever have to separate physically we'll ALWAYS be in sync spiritually and that connection can keep that person in my life forever.....

BABY LOVE ME LIGHTS OUT.....

I think I'm the opposite of everybody else I know......While everyone else is so afraid to fail, I'm afraid to succeed. To actually have EVERYTHING I've ever dreamed of in the palm of my hands would scare the living daylights out of me. ....But it baffles me as to why I'm afraid to be happy!!!! I questioned myself  "Khadijah you  don't think you deserve to be happy?" And after careful thought I realized its not that I dont think I deserve it but whats going to happen when I receive it? What price am I going to have to pay for living out all of my dreams? I've seen so much pain, heartache, and disappointment that anything remotely close to what my heart desires seems distant and unreal. I remember years ago when I would watch movies and people would travel places as simple as Miami and Las Vegas I would fantasize about doing that but I always regarded them as just that.....FANTASIES. I didnt think a girl from the projects whose parents she never seen travel outside of New York City could go where the Sand is White and the water is Blue. But eventually God blessed me with the opportunity to finally see those places. You would thuink that by finally seeing or doing some of the things I've only dreamed of that would push me to strive harder to see all of my dreams come true, but instead after the disbelief came the FEAR. "This is too good to be true. This can't be happening!" Is what I told myself. And would you believe that FEAR is used to approach and hinder everything in my life!!! I've set myself so far back because I have an irrational FEAR of moving forward, fulfilling my dreams, and being great. I don't know what I think is going to happen. I don't know why I'm ALWAYS looking for the ball to drop, the disappointment, the bad news, or the sad ending. I guess thats because most of the time thats what I've experienced. I NEED TO MAKE A CHANGE.

I AM SUCH AN EMOTIONAL PERSON.....
And not just over relationships or death but over EVERYTHING!!! When I feel something I feel it to the 10th power and my emotions go haywire. So writing has ALWAYS been an outlet for me, where I can express what I'm feeling, visualize it on paper, assess it and than make the best, sane, rational decision for myself. God forbid I react off of that raw emotion....Everything and everyone around me would crumble.
In doing all of this writing I've learned some very valuable lessons about myself....
1. I CAN'T HIDE WHAT I FEEL
2. I CAN'T LIE ABOUT WHAT I FEEL
3. I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL.
In the process of coming to terms with these realizations I began to panic thinking "HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE IN THIS CRUEL WORLD?  A WORLD WHERE NOBODY GIVES A PHUCK ABOUT MY FEELINGS????" So I told myself that I had to come up with some coping skills because if not eff the world but Brownsville, Brooklyn alone would chew me up!!!! So heres what I came up with.
1. NOBODY HAS TO CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS EXCEPT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO GENUINELY LOVE AND CARE ABOUT ME. Only because their love and care alone would not only prompt them to consider my feelings but also hold them in high regard.
2. IF I NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE THEY CAN NEVER LET ME DOWN.
3. ANTICIPATE A NUMBER OF DISAPPOINTMENTS.
4. (And last but definitely NOT least) DON'T TRUST MAN, TRUST GOD TO LOVE AND CARE ABOUT ME ENOUGH TO PLACE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO WILL LOVE AND CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS!
Of course this is all easier said than done. I'm human so sometimes I not only forget but disregard all of these things because of my "feelings".....Well those same "feelings" have caused me so much suffering and heartache,  the silver lining to that cloud is just as well as the lessons are needed sometimes so is the heartache. Its all apart of my growth and if I cant grow, I cant live.